"I want sit down/ & just sit & not flicker, to not have to try so hard/ to not die. I told her to smile. I told her forever. // Larry Levis dead or staring out from book covers/ & there’s so much that my love is just no damn good for."
—Nate Pritts. http://similarpeakspoetry.com/nate-pritts/
Similar:Peaks:: is now edited, and ran top to bottom by david blumenshine & catch business. Obviously there are alot of people involved to different degrees with the journal as it was during part one. It’s a difficult balance, wanting to shout out those involved in the previous administration, but it is evident they’d rather not be thanked or whatever token appreciation. Which i’m still doing anyway simply by mentioning the fact that i want to give all of you credit, deservingly, more deserved than i, db, was able to allow myself to recognize. i’m not making excuses for what has happened. but i know catch and i are extremely thrilled to have this journal - which did some trememdous things in a short amount of time previously. but what was done is just that. catch and i function on a level which is of course different and independent of what working with rachel, carleen, alyssa, robert, jess, joshua, jim, justin, hell, even craig, and i know i was a jackass. which is to say it lightly. i hope you all can forgive me for expecting unrealistic outcomes, although i will say with great conviction that i did all that at that point i was able to i guess management into something that meant something positive to everyone involved. i believe we did some great things, as a team. but that was similar:peaks:: part one.
catch & i have no interest in attempting necessarily what similar:peaks:: was in that run. for all the good literature we were fortunate enough to be a home to, on the inside, i can only speak personally, i was a toxic person who was only getting worse. i leave the original set up with many regrets. many disappointments. and alot to learn from. i don’t mind if some schmohawks call this mushy or whatever. this happens all the time in any artistic endeavor. people get attached to an idea, i didn’t want to be famous, but i placed the excellence of the journal ahead of my home life. and that was a tremendous mistake for which i will live the rest of my days to some degree regretting. the mistakes in hindsight are simple to recognize. but i simply didn’t know when i was full. i didn’t know when i’d had enough drugs to do what needed to be done before diminishing returns set in, i didn’t know that trying to make a person i love fall in love with me had nothing to do with my literary successes, but was blinded in attempts to prove in all likelihood some daddy issues about being good enough. we hall have hangups. and it’s taken a very long time to come to terms with what i’ve sacrificed, whether it’s been worth it. and my answer directly in response to the first phase of the journal was that no. i would give it all back for love. but i am confident it is what it is and people move along and i respect that and obviously wish everyone previously involved the best wishes going forward. Everyone who was a part of s:p:: was special. not only at being able to identify good poetry in unusual spots, but also the skill to seperate the submissions from ‘name caliber poets’ who just saw us as little more than a wooden nickle charitable cause and sent us some absurd kinds of awful obviously throwaway work. and i’m not mad at those people, though i won’t forget you, you taught at least myself a valuable lesson on being able to say no to obvious bullshit when it’s clear you are not being taken seriously. so yeah, it’s cool. i miss everyone. and i hope yr situations are looking up in a few cases.
it obviously hurts me. intention is the greatest of folly. the professional quips i don’t give a damn about. that shits for the academy. i speak with people how i talk in real life. whatever.
but i know there are alot of good things on the horizion for s:p:: with catch & me having a good, locked in core of who is dealing with what, and little delegation to be lost in the shuffle. we should have new posts up in the next month or so.
AND YES, THE JOURNALS AND CHAPBOOKS ARE HAPPENING>
i’m not really of any shits to give about explaining my last 12 months. certainly some of you know some stuff. and some people got nice dagger shots in saying i trumped up what was happening. but it’s not your fault for being a trust fund kid, and it’s not mine for not being one. i don’t get to go to europe whenever. or have the backing to start a press the way others do. but if the inscriptions in books sent to me by authors can be relied upon more than myself, a handful of some great literary people of our generation — and we are in a very special age for literature — see a light that burns bright in me for this shit. and i believe that to be true.
similar:peaks:: may not be exactly what it was.
how could it be?
but, it could be a much greater facilitator when it comes to sharing the magic of literature with more people than we could have imagined when we approached joshua corey after a reading with an imaginary journal which he agreed to send some top notch poems to us for.
keep it movin.
this is how we trill, from 0-1-4 till
S:P:: C:B:: D:B::
I wanted him to be happy, I wanted him to get better. But when we talked, he seemed to be moving into darker and darker places. I watched my own relationships crumble before my eyes as I exerted more and more effort into placating him, keeping him calm and sane and happy. Our love had defined me at one point in my life and I found it impossible to walk away from him when he told me he needed me, which was often.